I'm completely filled with anxiety over tomorrow actually happening. 366 days ago (it is a leap year) was the last time I ever talked to my dad. Just thinking about September 18th actually happening makes it a little hard to breathe. I know that it's just another day on the calendar and nothing spectacular is going to happen, but, how is it possible that a whole year has already passed? It still feels like it was yesterday.
The fact that it's been a year just makes him seem that much more gone I guess. I still can feel the panic I felt last year when I got the phone call just thinking about it. So not looking forward to having to actually having to experience tomorrow. The good things - I have a super busy work day to help keep my mind busy throughout the day so that will be helpful. Also, as vividly as I remember the day he passed away, I can also remember the last night that we were lucky enough to have decided to have a "small" (HUGE) bonfire in the back yard with Dad, Gail, Nick & Joey. I can remember laughing and joking with him, him holding Addison letting her pull all over his beard saying he was training her for Santa. Talking about teaching Addison to pick up the walnuts for money when she got bigger because she was obsessed with all the "balls" that were falling in the yard. Making a pan of brownies and my sweets loving Dad & Nick devouring them. He mocked my driving skills and I had to remind him that he was the one who taught me in his old maroon truck back when I was 15. And I remember him struggling to place a pop in his cooler that was too low to the ground for him to bend, and him stopping outside of his truck before driving home because his neck was hurting/spasming where he had had his surgery in July to remove the blockage in his carotid artery. Both of which were hard to watch and made me thing, wow my parents are really starting to get old. (not DEAD, not DYING, just older....)
The fact that it's been a year just makes him seem that much more gone I guess. I still can feel the panic I felt last year when I got the phone call just thinking about it. So not looking forward to having to actually having to experience tomorrow. The good things - I have a super busy work day to help keep my mind busy throughout the day so that will be helpful. Also, as vividly as I remember the day he passed away, I can also remember the last night that we were lucky enough to have decided to have a "small" (HUGE) bonfire in the back yard with Dad, Gail, Nick & Joey. I can remember laughing and joking with him, him holding Addison letting her pull all over his beard saying he was training her for Santa. Talking about teaching Addison to pick up the walnuts for money when she got bigger because she was obsessed with all the "balls" that were falling in the yard. Making a pan of brownies and my sweets loving Dad & Nick devouring them. He mocked my driving skills and I had to remind him that he was the one who taught me in his old maroon truck back when I was 15. And I remember him struggling to place a pop in his cooler that was too low to the ground for him to bend, and him stopping outside of his truck before driving home because his neck was hurting/spasming where he had had his surgery in July to remove the blockage in his carotid artery. Both of which were hard to watch and made me thing, wow my parents are really starting to get old. (not DEAD, not DYING, just older....)
And so here we are 1 year later. It's gonna happen whether we like it or not. It makes me sad all that he's (we're) missing out on (him) being a part of. Nick and Joey got the push they needed to finally get married, I know he was waiting for that for a long time and losing him may be what finally made them do it. Family gatherings are not the same without my smart ass dad (though I must admit the whole family carries this gene). I can't attend a wedding with a daddy daughter dance without tearing up (proven by Satuday's most recent wedding! (Can you all just refrain from playing butterfly kisses or I loved her first at your weddings when dancing with your fathers? K, thanks!). So many grandkid moments he'll never get to be a part of, and so many changes in our lives that I'd love to share.
We miss you Dad!!
