Anxious

 I'm completely filled with anxiety over tomorrow actually happening.  366 days ago (it is a leap year) was the last time I ever talked to my dad.   Just thinking about September 18th actually happening makes it a little hard to breathe.  I know that it's just another day on the calendar and nothing spectacular is going to happen,  but, how is it possible that a whole year has already passed?  It still feels like it was yesterday.

The fact that it's been a year just makes him seem that much more gone I guess.  I still can feel the panic I felt last year when I got the phone call just thinking about it.  So not looking forward to having to actually having to experience tomorrow.  The good things - I have a super busy work day to help keep my mind busy throughout the day so that will be helpful.  Also, as vividly as I remember the day he passed away, I can also remember the last night that we were lucky enough to have decided to have a "small" (HUGE) bonfire in the back yard with Dad, Gail, Nick & Joey.  I can remember laughing and joking with him, him holding Addison letting her pull all over his beard saying he was training her for Santa.  Talking about teaching Addison to pick up the walnuts for money when she got bigger because she was obsessed with all the "balls" that were falling in the yard.  Making a pan of brownies and my sweets loving Dad & Nick devouring them.  He mocked my driving skills and I had to remind him that he was the one who taught me in his old maroon truck back when I was 15.  And I remember him struggling to place a pop in his cooler that was too low to the ground for him to bend, and him stopping outside of his truck before driving home because his neck was hurting/spasming where he had had his surgery in July to remove the blockage in his carotid artery.  Both of which were hard to watch and made me thing, wow my parents are really starting to get old.  (not DEAD, not DYING, just older....)

And so here we are 1 year later.  It's gonna happen whether we like it or not.  It makes me sad all that he's (we're) missing out on (him) being a part of.  Nick and Joey got the push they needed to finally get married, I know he was waiting for that for a long time and losing him may be what finally made them do it.  Family gatherings are not the same without my smart ass dad  (though I must admit the whole family carries this gene).  I can't attend a wedding with a daddy daughter dance without tearing up (proven by Satuday's most recent wedding!  (Can you all just refrain from playing butterfly kisses or I loved her first at your weddings when dancing with your fathers? K, thanks!).  So many grandkid moments he'll never get to be a part of, and so many changes in our lives that I'd love to share.  

We miss you Dad!!

WW My Sweet Little Girl

We went and visited Dad at the cemetery on Saturday because we headed out of town all day on Father's Day.  Here's a sweet little video of Addison & some pictures.  We love that there is a picture of him on the headstone.

Linking up with Parenting by Dummies, the Papermama, live and love outloud, and then she snapped, & Jenni from the blog

Wordlessish Wednesday

Last week my step-mom called me to let me know that Dad's headstone had been placed so we made a trip out that night to check it out.  It turned out very nice, and it is MASSIVE, slightly taller than Addison and just as thick as the base that it is sitting on. 

Gail (my step-mom) had a picture from their wedding day put on the stone, I didn't even know that they could do that until she mentioned that she was going to have it done.  Addison didn't even have to be told anything before she walked right to the picture and said "Papa".  So sweet. Happy to see a permanent stone there now!

Linking up with Parenting by Dummies, the Papermama, live and love outloud, and then she snapped, & Jenni from the blog

Thankful Day 18

Today I am thankful for Memories.  I noticed people posting this :

Many people have passed away early - When we look at the sky, we LOVE the idea that they look back at us. We remember them often, at night, when we look at the stars ... a DATE ... a SONG ... a PLACE ... a SMELL ... A MEMORY of those who left us ... ALWAYS LOVED, DEEPLY MISSED ... Post this as your status, if you have someone keeping an eye on you from above.--"




On Facebook today, how fitting, today has been two months since my dad passed away suddenly. :(  I don't really do the whole religion thing and there for have no real stance on heaven and angels and all of that business.  But, I relate to the message, I think of Dad every single day, be it someone mentioning his name, a song that comes on, driving by a truck that looks like his, drinking coffee, walking by his picture in a frame.  It all triggers a memory and makes me stop and think about him for a minute.  It's still hard, I'm sure it always will be to think about all that he and we are missing out on by losing him when we did.  Not that losing him at 80 would have been easier but gees.  (We were just talking at work about being able to retire at 55 and I said if I'm still working here at 55 I am so out, early retirement yes please.  Then I though, Dad was only fricken 55!  He never got to enjoy retirement age.)

 Regardless, I am thankful for the memories.  I am thankful for the memories of not only my dad but all the other loved ones and friends that I have had pass.  Some of the memories make you smile and sometimes they trigger tears, and sometimes you laugh while you're crying, but I am so happy to have them all.  It also touches a special place when I see or hear my husband stop when holding our daughter in front of the framed picture of dad and teaching her that it's grandpa in the picture, someday's she'll say papa other days its all about the baby that he's holding (her).  She's only ever going to know him through our memories and it get's me a little choked up every time.

Surviving Month One

Its been a month, a month since the last time I talked/laughed/joked with my dad.  A month since we shared a warm pan of brownies straight from the pan like a bunch of real rednecks around a bonfire.  A month since Dad sat Addison on his lap and let her pull like crazy on his beard and said he was training her to find the 'real' Santa for Christmas.  A month since the most terrifying phone call and adrenaline filled day I have ever experienced.  Most days it feels like it was just yesterday.

I've managed to go a whole month without hearing REO Speedwagon sing Time For Me to Fly (which was the only request my dad ever made to anyone about what his funeral wishes were, to have that song played.)   Amazing seeing how I listen to my iPod all day at work and its most definitely on it.  Pretty sure it will instantly cause tears to flow.  I think about him often, I feel jipped that he didn't get to grow old, yet glad he didn't have to suffer through years of illness.  Accepting that it actually happened, cherishing my memories.

It's been 6 + years since this fathers day Nascar race we took dad to...

Still Feels Like a Bad Dream

There are supposedly five stages to grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  I don't know where I fall in all of that, but I know it still doesn't feel real.  Maybe because I still expect to go for a walk and pass my brothers house and see his truck in the driveway and maybe he'll see us and come out and chat for a few mins.  At a bonfire I expect to turn around and see my dad standing there like he was so many times.  I know he's gone, it just doesn't seem real.

I had a dentist appointment again today for this lovely root canal that has turned into the biggest fiasco to hit my mouth EVER, we are on round 3 of cleaning out the tooth and round 3 or is it 4 of antibiotics now, in hopes that the infection will finally clear and they can close it.  Otherwise its endodontist bound for me and my mouth.  When I left the office I figured while I was in Albion I would stop at the cemetery for the first time since the funeral.    It was harder today to be there than it was the day of the funeral.

There is no headstone yet just flowers marking the grave.  A family friend made a cross with Dad's name birth date & date of death on it that my brother stopped by this evening to show me before he took it out there to place at the grave site tonight.  Guess it was a good day to go visit Dad.

This is my "in the works" memorial garden at the house for Dad, some of the mums from the funeral.  Planning on painting a quote onto the small flat rock in the very front.  

When I told Tony that I stopped at the cemetery today he asked me if I told Dad about the Lions cause he would of liked that.  :)  Yes, yes he would have.

Wordless/Wordish Wednesday

We're having a rough time and missing this guy big time around here, RIP Dad, still can't believe your gone.  

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

We buried my dad yesterday.....
excuse my typos as I'm typing through tears & a racing mind.

What the hell we should not have had to do this, not now!  For those who really have no idea what happened, My dad & Gail came over to our house on Saturday for a bonfire/cook out. Tony cooked up some brats & hot dogs on the grill.  We sat around the bonfire and ate, Addison played in the yard picking up walnuts which to her are "ball"s, and sat with Grandpa (my dad) pulling on his beard while he joked that he was training her to be able to find the real Santa at Christmas time.  Nick and Joey joined all of us once they got out of work, I made brownies for everyone while they unloaded a whole trailer load of wood to burn.  After the brownies went around we sat around for a little longer before we all decided to call it a night.  Everything was normal.

Sunday morning about 7:30 my phone started vibrating, I ignored it because Sunday was my first day off and damn it I was going to sleep in.  It immediately rang again and I didn't recognize the number so I ignored it again, the third ring Tony answered it.  I could hear them say something about Albion Public Safety, get to Albion, and something about Phil.  Tony Asked what was going on and they said Phil is having a hard time that's all I can say, you need to get to his house as quick as you can.  I immediately go into panic mode, hear my brothers truck fire up across the road and Tony calls him to tell him to pick me up so he can get Addison up and meet us over there.  Nick stops and I run out to his truck, nothing much is said on the way over other than it can't be good cause they wouldn't tell either of us anything on the phone.  It takes us about 10 minutes to get there from the time my phone started ringing.

We pull up to my dads house and there are 3 police cars out front and an ambulance.  Not Good.  An officer meets us out front and tells us to go around to the back.  We walk in the house to find them working on Dad in the dining room, Gail tries to explain that he got up to use the bathroom like he does all the time and she heard a funny noise, yelled to him and got no response.  She ran to the bathroom and he was on the floor and unresponsive.  She called 911 and did chest compression until they arrived, they worked on him from the time they got there until well after we had arrived before they came in to tell us that they had done everything that they could do but they couldn't get him back.  The paramedic said most likely it was a cardiac episode.

They didn't do an autopsy because its not required unless the death is suspicious.  So we may never know for sure, they said most likely a heart attack or a blood clot.   My dad was 55 years old, collapses and dies and its not suspicious, blows my mind.

My dad had surgery in July to unblock his carotid artery, all the heart test he had to go through said that everything with his heart was good.  My dad's family has a scary history of heart attack's in the males, My dad had outlived all of his brothers at 55 years old.  Jimmy had passed away from Cancer back in March, Butch & Buddy both of heart attacks and my grandpa had had a heart attack before he reached 55.  Absolutely terrifying.

The hardest part of all of this for me to accept is that Addison is never going to remember or get to know her grandpa first hand.  My Grandma and grandpa Wright passed away when I was in high school, while they have been gone a long time now I at least had 17 or so years of memories and got to know them. It kills me to think that she doesn't get that chance.  Cause he was a great grandpa to his grand-kids!

It goes to show you never know what tomorrow will bring.  This was the last thing I though I would be facing this week.   And I am so, so, so happy that by some random twist of fate Tony decided we should have a bonfire over here Saturday night and we were able to spend Dad's last night with him.  Just too soon!

The only good in this is that he didn't suffer, it was sudden and it was over.  If there's a good way to go I'd like to think that quick is it.  I'm glad he didn't have to live with years of a failing body, or suffer while cancer killed him as it did my uncle.  He was himself until the day he died, I will always remember him as the man he has always been not a sick and dying man.

Dad's obituary

We gave him the greatest goodbye we possibly could.  Dad's childhood/lifelong friend Stan did an amazing job and gave the eulogy at the funeral and then Dad got to ride on the Parma fire truck, that he drove in so many parades while he served his 15 years as a fire fighter, to his final resting place in Riverside Cemetery.

I still can't believe he's gone.  I keep waiting for one of the people at my brothers house to be him, or to hear his truck drive past my house a few times a day as he pulled in and out of Nicks house.  I know what we've been through was hard but I also know that there are many more hard times to come.  I just can't believe it.

We've had so much love and support shown to us over the past few days, it's been amazing!  It's good to know how many people who's lives he touched.  And other people who care enough about you to send their support even if they never met him.  It truly helps in times like these.

Go hug/call/cherish your loved ones.

Dad

My dad passed away today. It was sudden, it was unexpected, and I'm still in shock waiting for it to not be real.





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