Fathers Day Without A Father

Father's Day 2005

This year is my first year to have to go though a Father's Day without my dad.  It's not like we made a huge deal out of it usually a card and a phone call, sometimes a little cook out for dinner or something.

This year though, like a quote I read from a CNN article last night "It's easy to write off Father's Day as yet another meaningless Hallmark holiday until you no longer have someone to send a card to. For those people, the day can be bittersweet, a reminder of the good times and all the times you'll never again share." 

I've had a hard time this week thinking about Fathers Day without my dad.  I guess it just makes the feelings of loss hurt a little more and feel a little less like we lost him 9 months ago.  Most day's I'm ok, I think about him but it's usually because of a song that comes on that just makes me think about how he used to like that kind of music or that particular song.  Or I see something that reminds me of him, or I think about how I wish I could call him to help me with some project cause I know that he would have known exactly how to do it.   Father's Day though makes me really miss him. It makes me remember that phone call we got 9 months ago,  like it was yesterday.  When they wouldn't tell Tony what was going on but I just KNEW it was bad.  Makes me remember that horrible drive to my dad's house, pulling up and seeing cop cars and an ambulance but no one seemed to be rushing around to do anything.  Walking in the house to see dad laying on the floor with paramedics still trying to revive him.  And the awful moment when one of them walked into the kitchen after what seemed like hours to tell us that they'd tried everything and couldn't get him back.     It makes it fresh again just how much it sucks to just up and lose someone, someone who the night before was at your house laughing/joking/being himself.  It makes me feel that my kid got ripped off from growing up with a grandpa feeling again, makes me angry, makes me sad, makes me miss him, a lot.  So 9 months later, and I'm sure 2 years, 3 years 10 years later its still gonna suck, maybe not as much as this one.  I wish he hadn't passed away so suddenly, so young.  I wish he got a chance to see Addison grow up & she got the chance to know her grandpa.  But we don't get to make those decisions in life.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad, We miss you!